Star Pirates: Buccaneers in Space - Deleted Scene - Crunch Time

[Tyler294]

Cutler shrugged at sat back down, just as Jordan stood up, climbed up onto one of the consoles, and dramatically declared to the assembled sitting or lying people:

"Behold, the heir to the lost Sasaki dynasty of Japan! Rightful ruler and-- GACK!"

The whole ship was rattled slightly by some sort of impact, which hurled Jordan off the console and to the floor again, as Cutler received a hail over the radio.

"Unauthorized vessel, identify yourself and state your intentions." a voice crackled over the radio.

"Sir... uh... you wanna take this call?" Cutler asked Walls slowly.

[Rattler]

"And that is why Jordan and Hyperdrive don't mix..." Claret declared from the floor, pointing up at the celing.

[JA-394]

Captain Walls, still laughing, picked up the not-telephone to answer.

- - -

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

[Tyler294]

"Ah, sir, perhaps I should answer the comm?" Sharpe suggested, as the captain's laughing was responded with silence from the other vessel.

Cutler went back to idly pressing buttons.

[JA-394]

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

*Pounds fist*

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

[Tyler294]

"Captain, you are going to make the people on the other ship think we are crazy." Sharpe admonished.

***

Meanwhile... on the other ship...

"Maaaaaaan, them people on that ship are crazy!" Captain Munneryln, who wasn't actually the captain but was simply "named" captain by his own crazy parents, commented as Walls's laughing continued to flow across the radio.

"Nein! It'z a clever trap to deceive uz!" Captain Schultz, who also wasn't the captain, but rather head of the ship's Custom's Marines detachment, disagreed, "Zey vant to zink zey are crazy!"

"He's laughing. I think he just finds something funny." Captain Obvious, aka Mr. Hollister the ship's supply officer who was also not the captain, but got the nickname for pretty obv--- "self-explanatory" reasons, commented.

"Captain!" somebody shouted.

All three turned around immediately to face the speaker.

"What!?" they all retorted at once.

"Not you, the Captain!" the shouter replied.

"Oh."

The camera then panned slowly and dramatically toward the captain's chair, whilst playing a suitably dramatic soundtrack as the audience got their first glimpse of black, well-shined boots, then flawlessly cleaned and pressed grey naval trousers, followed a blue uniform decked-out in tons of maritime metals before finally coming upon the face of a man with a bushy black mustache that was sprinkled in white with...

Milk...

And cereal...

"Captain Crunch! What is your opinion!?" the shouter asked.

Captain Crunch, who actually was the captain, stood up, a bowl of cereal in his hands, and stared at Farfeshittawhatever floating aimlessly in space outside the viewport, whilst continuing to listen to Walls laughing hysterically over the radio. But he did not answer, instead he kept chowing down on his cereal.

"Captain?"

"Inspect them." Crunch growled, chunks of puffed rice or corn or something like that spewing from his mouth.

"Jawohl!" Schultz replied, before marching out of the room to assemble his boarding crew.

"Hey, crazy dude, yo 'bout to get boarded, yo?" Munnerlyn reported to Walls over the radio.

***

Meanwhile... back on the Farfigshitterthing...

[JA-394]

"HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"

[Tyler294]

"Close the channel Mr. Cutler!" Sharpe sharply shouted.

"Ehh... fine." Cutler replied, hitting a button, "DAMN IT!"

"What is wrong, Cutler?" Sharpe asked in concern.

"I just deleted all my game records! I'll have to start all over... oh well..." Cutler sighed, before letting his hands droop to his sides and slouching in his chair.

"I'm back in action, boys! Which one of you is first!?" Jordan suddenly exclaimed, now back on top of the pilot's console.

Unfortunately, she accidentally kicked the throttle into gear during her posing, causing the ship to lurch forward and her to be thrown across the bridge again.

"Quickly! Regain control of the helm!" Sharpe bellowed.

"Ah, ah! Tha' cap'n is suppose tuh give tha' orders." Marty, also now back on his feet, corrected Sharpe.

"Under nominal circumstances I would agree, however the captain is currently impaired and unable to perform his duties, which according to Article 77, Section B, means the first officer must assume control of the bridge!" Sharpe counter-corrected.

"I ha'e you..." Marty whined.

[Rattler]

"Just shut up and do it before we hit something..." Claret growled.

[Tyler294]

"Be it noted in the log that as of..." Sharpe began to say, then looked around for a clock, but that was on the console Yankem had demolished, "...right now, First Officer Sahid Sharpe invokes Article B, Section 77 and has assumed temporary command of the vessel. Mr. Jackson, take the helm!"

There was no response from Savannah, as she was KO'd on the floor.

"Mr. LaBlanc, assume Mr. Jackson's station!"

But last we checked, he was unconscious too, so Sharpe had to move on.

"Mr. Anders, take the helm!"

[Rattler]

Claret crawled into the helm seat and "hit the brakes".

"Do I look like a guy to you?" she asked. "Because I'm pretty sure Biology says I'm a woman."

[Tyler294]

"And I'm pretty sure Naval regulations dictate all bridge crewmen and officers are to be addressed by the title "Mister", as per Section ST, Article 1." Sharpe responded.

"How mah'y times 'ave you reah' those regulations?" Marty asked in irritation.

"One thousand, seven hundred and one times." Sharpe responded.

"Unidentified transport, our ship is in position to board, stand-by to receive our customs inspection team." the radio crackled.

[Rattler]

"Since when were we military?" Claret pointed out. "I thought this was a civilian vessel."

[Tyler294]

"Ih is." Marty replied with an eye-roll, "Dohesn't stahp ol' Shawpe."

"Even civilian vessels need to observe proper maritime protocol!" Sharpe responded, "On that note, we are about to be boarded by customs officials. The captain would expect you all to be on your best behavior during the inspection."

[Rattler]

"Pretty sure civilian maritime protocol is different from Military," Claret said.

[Tyler294]

"Pretty sure Sharpe doesn't care." Cutler added.

"Pretty sure I'm high." Jordan remarked from the floor.

At that moment the ship rattled slightly, as the customs patrol ship latched onto it and commenced boarding operations.

"All hands, on your feet and line up!" Sharpe snapped, then pulled out an old-fashioned naval whistle and blew it.

[Rattler]

"Ow..." Claret groaned as she stuck a finger in her ear. "That's loud."

Shorty was still out cold, and thus unable to comply.

[JA-394]

Captain Walls stopped laughing for a brief moment at the sound of the whistle, then started laughing again as he complied.

Dr. Yankem completely ignored everyone.

HAX was nowhere to be seen.

[Tyler294]

Jordan got up and walked over to whatever semblance of a line-up was forming in a wobbly fashion.

Savannah got up and walked in the wrong direction in an even wobblier fashion.

Cutler just sat at his console, since it happened to be right behind where the line was forming.

Sharpe kept tooting on the whistle until his face turned blue.

The boarding party wondered what the heck was wrong with these people.

Wait, the boarding party?

Yes, the boarding party was here! Led by Captain Schultz, the group consisted of a couple inspection officers and three customs marines, in addition to Schultz himself, bringing the total to six.

"Who iz ze captain?" Schultz demanded.

Jordan pointed at Claret.

[Rattler]

Claret pointed at the Captain.

[JA-394]

The Captain pointed at a box in the corner. Then laughed at it.

[Tyler294]

That box got up and laughed back at the captain.

Or at least that's what one of the deranged, hallucinating crewmen perceived.

"First Officer Sahid Sharpe, at your service, sar!" Sharpe snapped off a stiff salute to the new arrivals, "Pardon the crews condition, but we are suffering from an acute case of hypersickness."

"I can zee zhat." Cpt. Schultz replied sarcastically, "Now, everyone ztay at your posts az ve conduct an inspection of your logs und cargo."

"Oi, duh' disturb tha' cargo! Is fragile." Marty pleaded.

"Are you attempted to impede a customz official?" Schultz growled.

"Nah nah... juss traying tuh be 'elpful." the quartermaster said as he backed away.

As the customs officers began to access the logs, Schultz radioed someone else on the ship, apparently more inspectors in the cargo bay investigating whatever was back there. Marty seemed very uncomfortable about this, though Sharpe seemed totally unaffected.

[JA-394]

HAX finally arrived.

"Query - Permission to terminate, Captain?"

Captain Walls just laughed at him.

"Statement - ..."

[Tyler294]

"Vas is this?" Schultz questioned, "Do you have a license for artificial intelligence?"

"Sar, if I may?" Sharpe cut-in, "There is no licensing requirement for artificial intelligence units on privately owned vessels. Only on the planets of Grigor II and Ulsa Prime, and on specific space stations are they regulated. I have checked all the latest regulations."

Schultz glared at Sharpe irritably, before brushing by him to get a look at the ship's fight logs and recordings. He was part-way through when one of the officers from the cargo bay radioed him.

"Vas?"

"Captain Schultz, this Captain Munnerlyn, we found some illegal swag back here. This turkeys are shippin' a whole boatload of Ardannian Triangle Leaves."

"Anysing else?"

"Ya, they got some ionizer panels too. No way a dump like this can afford the licenses to ship those."

"Goot. Prepare to confiscate the contraband." Schultz ordered, then turned back toward Sharpe, "So, seems ve have us some smugglers."

"I was not aware of the presence of illegal materials on this vessel." Sharpe stated plainly.
 

[Rattler]

Claret blinked in confusion.
"Wait.. what?" she asked.